I found this list of "snappy comebacks" (site below), and wondered if I could apply any of them to my situation.
1. Dr. Ass Hole, Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
2. When Dr. Ass Hole leaves notes on my bench, that everyone see's and senses is trouble, informing me that we need to talk..."Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again".
3. This is towards one of the grad students in lab. Lets call her Ms. Brown N. Hey Brown, I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Dr. Ass Hole to me. CFS, you actually want me to read your e-mails and listen to the words you say....um, how about never? Is never good for you?
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - Don't have to, Dr. Ass Hole does it for me on a regular basis.
6. This is exactly how Ms. Brown N. behaves! I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
7. So the following is my behavior to Ms. Brown's #6....I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
8. oh, and this is the other grad student, let's call him Don, short for (I DON't give a fuck), I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message student.
9. Our lab tech. - I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
10. The look on Dr. Ass Hole's face when I speak....It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
11. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
13. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
14. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. - Clearly the choice that Dr. Ass Hole is going with.
15. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth (actually, this is how I've been treated for last two years......no more!).
16. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
17. (an oldie but goodie) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist (Actually, I think this will be the topic of my next post.....stay tuned).
19. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental, given #'s 1, 2...14, 11...oh all of them!
20. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? - Actually, I've wondered this for years.
21. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. - My NEW insight into the world of research!
22. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
23. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
24. No, my powers can never be used for good.
25. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room
27. And Ms. Brown...your crybaby, whiney-butt opinion would be?
28. Do I look like a people person?
29. This isn't a lab. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
30. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. - Actually the name of my bar after turning in my publication and dissertation is the "Wasted Ph.D". Any investors out there? I will also have a room (like a speak easy) named the "lounge of negative results".
31. You! Off my planet! - My personal favorite.
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves. - Its true, I'm a Gemini.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, your day is a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
39. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
40. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
41. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
42. Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
43. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
44. Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
45. Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done
46. How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
47. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
48. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
49. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. - Although, if I could find and characterize this Sarcasm gene (Sar1) I see Nobel Prize in the future......
1 year ago