passed!!!

And, I defended. And passed. And I walked out of that room proud.


I'm really happy I held on and finished. I was graceful, confident and just plain fucking great! My PI couldn't even look me in the eye. Now I just need to find a post doc/job.

I'll continue that search tomorrow!

Wow...it's over. I can't even express the exhaustion and emotional ride this has been. Wish I could, it would make for a great book.

speechless

I haven't been around for a while, mostly because I can't stomach thinking about most of this any more.

But I have finished a draft of my thesis and all my papers, and scheduled my defense for Monday.

Finally, two days ago Dr. AH asks to see my thesis....noting that he better, because my committee will expect he went through it. Anyways, I got comments back today. Nothing major (which is great!). Just small and unhelpful grammar stuff mostly. Not worth the ink used to print out all 100 pages (which he insisted I do...only to email me a list of 20 items he requested I address).

But one thing he did say really made me sad. Just triggered me mostly, but I'm over it. Just thought I would toss it out to the bloggers...

CFS,
For your talk on Monday, who do you want to introduce you?
Good luck. Dr. AH

This just brings up all my emotions regarding this defense. This is a day I AM NOT looking forward to. This is not a day I am proud of, nor do I think being forced OUT is necessarily something I wish to share with the PUBLIC.

So having to endure an "introduction" will just be too fucking much! I have requested that I not be introduced and I just start my seminar. I made this request from my dept. head. I haven't heard yet.

I just need to get through Monday....PLEASE DON'T GET EMOTIONAL CFS!!!! Just give you seminar and walk away....head up!

A poll:

5 days to Christmas and I just put up a tree. So let me ask, would you do anymore decorating considering?

My opinion. Hell no! I didn’t want to do the damn tree. If I need the pine scent, I’d rather go out and sniff a fucking pine cone! We bought a tree just to hang shit on it, then throw it away? Wait, that’s not totally true. It will sit in my house for months, slowly drying up, dropping fucking needles all over the floor becoming incessantly taunting.

Why am I doing it then? Not because I actually believe, but because I have a 12-year-old who thinks the world will end if her “traditions” aren’t carried out. Admittedly it is entirely my fault for being a sentimental, hokey, corny, soppy mom for 11-years. I’m over it:)

Things I’d rather do than clean so I can decorate the freakin house just to pack it up again in 6 days?

1. Drink
2. Guess I should finish that thesis.
3. Finish making my wine.
4. Stab myself in the eye with a candy cane.

What would you rather do?

Oh and what about those annoying, smug bitches who have all the Christmas cards out by Thanksgiving. Now, so as not to "needle" those of you who worked your ass off to get those cards out by December 24th: I am speaking here of the ones who will actually e-mail me and say “hey, I haven’t heard from you in forever. I would love to send you a Christmas card. Send me your address...” In other words: You loser of a person who can’t even send a card once a year...give me your address so I can point out your indolence.

Which brings me to today’s favorite quote, and my new year’s resolution:

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
- Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

For some reason when I read this it makes me feel....yummy and all tingly inside:) Awesome! Now that's what I'm talking about. That's some holiday spirit.

Reading between the lines

Following up on my two recent posts drum roll and fuck me, regarding my PI's response to my finished paper. I was hoping to submit and use it as a chapter in my dissertation.

Turns out Dr. AH never really read it and after making me wait weeks to get some "feedback" he only ok'd it for my thesis. I was so bummed until I received good advice from PIT pointing out that I didn't hit him with the obvious question.

Which was: so...are you saying it's ready to submit AND for use in the thesis?

Yes, great idea. This kind of feedback is exactly what I hope for...the reason why this blog was started (deer in the headlights)! Because I've been hit with absurd stupid shit, read between the lines and assume I know what's up and that's it...I'm done. Don't know what to say. And fuck, I'm the deer in the headlights all over again.

So instead, this time I responed to Dr. AH with the following:

Hi Dr. AH,
Is this good news? Does that mean it's ready to be submitted and/or added to the thesis?
CFS

The response:

CFS,
This can be added to your thesis as is. I would say that is good news for everyone.
For submission, there is quite a bit of work that I need to do. I will work on this over the holidays and into January.
When will you set a date? I am here from Jan 5 on, all the way through January, but of course you should see if the other committee members are here in January when you defend.
DR. AH


Now...fuck me. I guess at least I didn't just stand there like the fucking deer, but really I don't see the results panning out like I hoped. I feel better regarding the way I handled it.

Reading between the lines:
1. What I notice here is that he doesn't want to submit my paper because he has a lot of work to do??? What work??? NO IDEA, since he has NEVER talked to me about it!!!! Our mediator (also a member of my committee) said that my draft looked like it was ready to submit...so why does Dr. AH not feel the same?
2. Dr. AH said he was going to work on "what ever" between the "holidays and into January". Ummmmm, does anyone else read in the following line that he wont even be back until Jan. 5th. Yeah....NICE....what a FUCKHEAD!

How do I handle this on my CV as I'm applying for post doc positions? Do I just say "in preparation?" Obviously leaving out the fact that it WILL NEVER BE SUBMITTED!!!!


Funny thing did happen immediately following. I was in the coffee shop and was going up to approach this customer I've talked some with in the last couple of years. He is a prof. at the medical school. We both have recently switched from PC to Mac and we often share tricks/advice. So as I approached him and said excuse me, he looked up. Ha...fuck me it not him....it's HIM...my PI, Dr. AH.

Oh, shit...I didn't know what to say. Neither did he. The entire thing was shocking the hell out of us. All I could pull out of my deer in the headlight ass was "ah, hi, just got your e-mail...so only thesis and not submission?

To which Dr. AH looks down in a scared kind of way (probably thought I was about to bitch slap him), and says "yes, use it for you thesis".

I said to have a good morning and walked away. OMG! A good lesson in remembering to wear my glasses!!!!

fuck me, fuck me, fuck me

Just in from Wonderboy. He and I are collaborating on a paper that he is taken the lead rains on for reasons that would be clear in earlier posts. We have been working on a draft that Wonderboy sent Dr. AH the other day.

Dr. AH,
Here is the next draft of the paper, I gave you two versions of the figures one in powerpoint and one in pdf format, because sometimes the figures get messed up when they are opened in earlier versions of powerpoint.

Cheers,
Wonderboy

Immediately followed up with....

Thanks! i will get to it this afternoon..with relish! Dr. AH


Really....relish...fuck me...

drum roll please.....

I open my e-mail this morning, and low and behold...I finally got a response from my PI regarding my paper. Oh the possibilities. Being the optimist I am I was so hopeful for some good feedback. You know, that engagement kind of feedback from an individual who read my manuscript. The kind of feedback that might even "evaluate" or "challenge" or "acknowledge"....FUCKING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what was the response? Here you go:


CFS,
I have no comments on your last version.
Dr. AH


I really hate this job.

Today's wine is one that I've had and loved. It reminds me of better times, kicked back on the Domaine Drouhin porch, overlooking the vine covered hills. In a place where I could embrace the terroir, the sense of place. I remember having a sense of self and a sense of enthusiasm.


Domaine Drouhin Pinot Noir "Laurene" 2006

$68 / bottle Parker 92 Points! The 2006 Pinot Noir Laurene is medium/dark ruby colored with an alluring perfume of pain grille, mineral, spice box, cherry, and black raspberry with some blue notes in the background. It has more depth and concentration than the "cuvee classique" with gobs of sweet, ripe fruit, enough structure to evolve for 3-4 years and a 45-second finish. Drink it from 2012 to 2021."

I hate being ignored

Just back from a great trip to a great city! That’s the good news.

I also was supposed to get comments back from Dr. Ass Hole regarding my manuscript, which I turned in on November 30th. Still nothing. I wrote him...still nothing. WTF!





Me taking Dr. AH down...not ignoring me now are you bitch!!!!!



The fucker has has/had an R01 due. I would think at the very least that he would want to get this out for his own selfish reasons. Guess he would rather continue to be a fuck head to me than get the pub. I’m very doubtful my paper will ever see the light of day.

Man how I love to write shit that NOBODY will ever read. It’s a real motivator.