A poll:

5 days to Christmas and I just put up a tree. So let me ask, would you do anymore decorating considering?

My opinion. Hell no! I didn’t want to do the damn tree. If I need the pine scent, I’d rather go out and sniff a fucking pine cone! We bought a tree just to hang shit on it, then throw it away? Wait, that’s not totally true. It will sit in my house for months, slowly drying up, dropping fucking needles all over the floor becoming incessantly taunting.

Why am I doing it then? Not because I actually believe, but because I have a 12-year-old who thinks the world will end if her “traditions” aren’t carried out. Admittedly it is entirely my fault for being a sentimental, hokey, corny, soppy mom for 11-years. I’m over it:)

Things I’d rather do than clean so I can decorate the freakin house just to pack it up again in 6 days?

1. Drink
2. Guess I should finish that thesis.
3. Finish making my wine.
4. Stab myself in the eye with a candy cane.

What would you rather do?

Oh and what about those annoying, smug bitches who have all the Christmas cards out by Thanksgiving. Now, so as not to "needle" those of you who worked your ass off to get those cards out by December 24th: I am speaking here of the ones who will actually e-mail me and say “hey, I haven’t heard from you in forever. I would love to send you a Christmas card. Send me your address...” In other words: You loser of a person who can’t even send a card once a year...give me your address so I can point out your indolence.

Which brings me to today’s favorite quote, and my new year’s resolution:

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
- Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

For some reason when I read this it makes me feel....yummy and all tingly inside:) Awesome! Now that's what I'm talking about. That's some holiday spirit.

Reading between the lines

Following up on my two recent posts drum roll and fuck me, regarding my PI's response to my finished paper. I was hoping to submit and use it as a chapter in my dissertation.

Turns out Dr. AH never really read it and after making me wait weeks to get some "feedback" he only ok'd it for my thesis. I was so bummed until I received good advice from PIT pointing out that I didn't hit him with the obvious question.

Which was: so...are you saying it's ready to submit AND for use in the thesis?

Yes, great idea. This kind of feedback is exactly what I hope for...the reason why this blog was started (deer in the headlights)! Because I've been hit with absurd stupid shit, read between the lines and assume I know what's up and that's it...I'm done. Don't know what to say. And fuck, I'm the deer in the headlights all over again.

So instead, this time I responed to Dr. AH with the following:

Hi Dr. AH,
Is this good news? Does that mean it's ready to be submitted and/or added to the thesis?
CFS

The response:

CFS,
This can be added to your thesis as is. I would say that is good news for everyone.
For submission, there is quite a bit of work that I need to do. I will work on this over the holidays and into January.
When will you set a date? I am here from Jan 5 on, all the way through January, but of course you should see if the other committee members are here in January when you defend.
DR. AH


Now...fuck me. I guess at least I didn't just stand there like the fucking deer, but really I don't see the results panning out like I hoped. I feel better regarding the way I handled it.

Reading between the lines:
1. What I notice here is that he doesn't want to submit my paper because he has a lot of work to do??? What work??? NO IDEA, since he has NEVER talked to me about it!!!! Our mediator (also a member of my committee) said that my draft looked like it was ready to submit...so why does Dr. AH not feel the same?
2. Dr. AH said he was going to work on "what ever" between the "holidays and into January". Ummmmm, does anyone else read in the following line that he wont even be back until Jan. 5th. Yeah....NICE....what a FUCKHEAD!

How do I handle this on my CV as I'm applying for post doc positions? Do I just say "in preparation?" Obviously leaving out the fact that it WILL NEVER BE SUBMITTED!!!!


Funny thing did happen immediately following. I was in the coffee shop and was going up to approach this customer I've talked some with in the last couple of years. He is a prof. at the medical school. We both have recently switched from PC to Mac and we often share tricks/advice. So as I approached him and said excuse me, he looked up. Ha...fuck me it not him....it's HIM...my PI, Dr. AH.

Oh, shit...I didn't know what to say. Neither did he. The entire thing was shocking the hell out of us. All I could pull out of my deer in the headlight ass was "ah, hi, just got your e-mail...so only thesis and not submission?

To which Dr. AH looks down in a scared kind of way (probably thought I was about to bitch slap him), and says "yes, use it for you thesis".

I said to have a good morning and walked away. OMG! A good lesson in remembering to wear my glasses!!!!

fuck me, fuck me, fuck me

Just in from Wonderboy. He and I are collaborating on a paper that he is taken the lead rains on for reasons that would be clear in earlier posts. We have been working on a draft that Wonderboy sent Dr. AH the other day.

Dr. AH,
Here is the next draft of the paper, I gave you two versions of the figures one in powerpoint and one in pdf format, because sometimes the figures get messed up when they are opened in earlier versions of powerpoint.

Cheers,
Wonderboy

Immediately followed up with....

Thanks! i will get to it this afternoon..with relish! Dr. AH


Really....relish...fuck me...

drum roll please.....

I open my e-mail this morning, and low and behold...I finally got a response from my PI regarding my paper. Oh the possibilities. Being the optimist I am I was so hopeful for some good feedback. You know, that engagement kind of feedback from an individual who read my manuscript. The kind of feedback that might even "evaluate" or "challenge" or "acknowledge"....FUCKING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what was the response? Here you go:


CFS,
I have no comments on your last version.
Dr. AH


I really hate this job.

Today's wine is one that I've had and loved. It reminds me of better times, kicked back on the Domaine Drouhin porch, overlooking the vine covered hills. In a place where I could embrace the terroir, the sense of place. I remember having a sense of self and a sense of enthusiasm.


Domaine Drouhin Pinot Noir "Laurene" 2006

$68 / bottle Parker 92 Points! The 2006 Pinot Noir Laurene is medium/dark ruby colored with an alluring perfume of pain grille, mineral, spice box, cherry, and black raspberry with some blue notes in the background. It has more depth and concentration than the "cuvee classique" with gobs of sweet, ripe fruit, enough structure to evolve for 3-4 years and a 45-second finish. Drink it from 2012 to 2021."

I hate being ignored

Just back from a great trip to a great city! That’s the good news.

I also was supposed to get comments back from Dr. Ass Hole regarding my manuscript, which I turned in on November 30th. Still nothing. I wrote him...still nothing. WTF!





Me taking Dr. AH down...not ignoring me now are you bitch!!!!!



The fucker has has/had an R01 due. I would think at the very least that he would want to get this out for his own selfish reasons. Guess he would rather continue to be a fuck head to me than get the pub. I’m very doubtful my paper will ever see the light of day.

Man how I love to write shit that NOBODY will ever read. It’s a real motivator.

Meeting follow up

It went well. Yes, I have a draft that could be published as is. But we (the mediator and ) both know Dr. Ass Hole will come back with "feedback". Generally speaking, I'm thrilled to get feedback. I crave real feedback....bring on the feedback!

But let me give you an example of the kind of feedback I usually get:

E-mail from Dr. Ass Hole

...Authorship issues:

Given the amount of data on the G&D paper (6 pieces of data from you in the G&D paper, of 30 total in Table I), I find it appropriate that you are a second author.

I look forward to hearing from you soon on these issues.

Best,
Dr. Ass Hole

My thoughts: Yeah, he can't even count. Ok,lets count the 130 strains that I did make. verify and test that he chose not to put into the paper. Compared to everyone else's 10 to 20 strains made. It's like a lottery. also rigged because one strain I tested is the keystone of the manuscript. I tested this strain first. It was ignored by the lab. ~6 mo. later it comes up again in the literature. I remind them that I tested and saw a change. "oh...I guess that was not clear...." Fuck off, you didn't listen!

So I test it again. Shocker, it's phenotype is what I said it was.
Wow, says Dr. Ass Hole, Awesome...hey guys lets have Ms. Brown N. give this a look in her assay.

WTF

Blah, blah...more shit. But the crazy part happened today. As if crazy haven't happened before. But it can get really stupid really fast.

So I'm told by the mediator that Ms. Brown N. has taken full credit for a discovery I made in the lab, that is the BIG discovery! What? She wrote in her brief for her commiettee meeting the other day that "I was the first to do...and the first to show...."

Again, WTF? I have email documentation after I did these experiments between Dr. Ass Hole and Ms. Brown N. They both are "thrilled" about my result.

Now I'm bumped from proper authorship, and I no longer played any fucking role in the science that led our lab to this point.

Bone details of today's meeting:
1. Dissertation in by next Friday. Ok, shouldn't be too much of an issue.
2. I'm already past the dead line with the graduate college, so I wont be officially graduating till May. I'm actually happy about this. Provides the time needed to find a post doc position.
3. I am planning my defense for February. Which is great on the one hand, but on the other I wonder why I don't want to defend...truth is to have all of those people in a room looking at me knowing 1) I got fucked and 2) smirking about it.....well this will not be my proudest day.

here's to sucking it up and REALLY hoping I find a post doc position that will allow me to love the science again!


Wine of the day

2007 Madonna Alta Pinot Noir 750ML

One of the few Italian Pinot Noirs I have tried in my time as a wine enthusiast. That being said, I felt the wine had the three "S's." Softness, Silkiness, and Sexiness! Subtle cherry notes with great fresh expression. Relaxed tannins and a lengthy finish, super for it's price point. One of the most difficult varietals to find true value in, but this wine smashes that stereotype. A great Umbrian Pinot that drinks way above it's price point...who knew?!

Meeting with the Mediator today.

Big meeting with my “acting” PI (aka, the 3rd party "Mediator" between my real PI, Dr. Ass Hole and I). Now that I turned in my manuscript draft, I have a feeling he is going to tell me its time to plan on a defense date. Sigh....Definitely time to get the fuck out of here, but I just haven't begun to look for post doc positions.....