How to raise a confident female scientist

And so it continues....

2010-03-23T17:04:00.002-07:00

CFS

I would like to ask you to help us out in figuring out some features of your strains.

Your thesis is complete and thats all done. It does now look like many of your conclusions are incorrect....

regards, Dr. AH

Now he is accusing me of fabricating my data. Fuck me, will this ever end? The one and only thing I had was the integrity of my work. Now he seems hell bent on taking that away as well.

I would also like to point out that some of these strains he refers to, were made and tested by him! This whole thing is absurd and a lie. I always make multiple candidates, I confirm them many ways including PCR and sequencing. I have meticulous notes on all of my experiments. Furthermore, after talking with our technician today she was blown away by Dr. AH's accusations because she sees similar numbers when working with my strains as I did. She has been reconfirming my data before Dr. AH submits the paper. She is going to copy her data for me, but this appears to be another moody tantrum the be great Dr. AH.

Lucky me.

Another offer

2010-03-15T16:17:00.002-07:00

I've been traveling the circuit lately. Great opportunity to meet, network and fine tune my talk. I'm happy to report that I nailed this last one...and at a BIG wig institution. It felt great. Must have because the offer came in today. Now that's two. Not bad for having no reference from my former PI, Dr. Asshole. Yeah.

D&D

2010-03-06T17:29:00.003-07:00

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, who nearly spit out her drink and proceeded to laugh at me for nearly 5 min. when I told her I used to play Dungeons and Dragons. Now, I'll admit I do not "look" the D&D part. Here's another phrase I hear a lot..."oh, you're a scientist?"

So I proudly say to the world......yes, I am a scientist and fuck yeah, I used to play D&D! As a matter of fact I just added a new image to my site and she is just as awesome as my female fighter D&D character . And guess what, I've also been to a Star Trek convention too.

What can I say, while I love being who I am on the outside, I'm a true geek on the inside.

Do something

2010-03-04T22:01:00.003-07:00

Inspired by PiT’s recent post regarding fixing the postdoc experience. A bit delayed, but I have a good excuse...postdoc interview...and got a offer...yeah!!! Celebrating by drinking wine and eating cookies, so I hope this post makes sense:)

Anyways, what I find so interesting about PiT’s post is: 1) dead on! All proposed approaches are very proactive and doable, even on an individual basis. 2) Not surprised, but a bit put off by the many pessimistic responses. And this point is bigger than just the PiT comment board. In general, if you just want to bitch...declare “just venting”, I think that’s very fair...we all need to exhale (really hard) sometimes. But if someone is bringing suggestions to the table, to just bitch and say it’s not going to work, then have NOTHING to offer...well that’s not very helpful either is it?

Where do I get off dissing the pessimists? It’s just not in my nature to bitch and bitch and have nothing to offer. I’m currently leaving a lab were nothing I did worked. It has been my first and hardest lesson at realizing that some problems just don’t have a solution. But I didn’t give up on being progressive in other ways. While option A was clearly a loss, I wasn’t willing to give up on options B and C. And I’m so glad I didn’t. Without them, I would not have the Dean of the College of Science as a reference, I would not have been able to network my way into interviews that I normally never would have scored since my PI is such an asshole and unwilling to write a letter of support.

Bottom line, it’s all up to me. So if I have the opportunity and option to try some of the suggestions poised by PiT...you bet your ass I’m going to try. Because if I can help it...if I have any say in the matter...I refuse to be the same asshole who supposedly raised this confident female scientist!

Relevant reading: The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t. Robert Sutton. Great book and fun read.

Now, I love any book that contains either shit, fuck or ass somewhere in the title! Secondly, is the story told by the author following a visit from a big wig in the field, being highly sought after for their open faculty position. The part I really like, was when the faculty met to discuss if they should extend an offer. The room was silent for a moment, until one voice in the back spoke up and said, “I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think we can afford the consequences of hiring an asshole...” (not the exact quote, but close). From that point on, subsequent to all interviews, they would gather and vote if the individual passed their new “no asshole rule”.

I have a great friend, Greenhouse Diva (GD) who works for an engineering co., She has her PhD and a great new job. Small issue with one of her bosses. An older women who for whatever reason hates GD! Personality issue from day one. Well the other day this boss pulled GD aside to an empty office and began screaming at her. She was supposedly so worked up she was shaking and just lost it...was threatening her job, and just totally freaked.

I can’t help but to think about this situation, about all my crazy moments with my PI and I wonder what it takes to be in a workplace that is normal. What can I do? One of my first blog posts involved the question “what would you do, given the following absurd situation”.

So what did GD do while being screamed at in an empty office? DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS....that’s what she did. She was so pissed at her boss and at herself.

What would you do? If you could be prepared for this possibility and it was happening to you, how would you address the enraged boss?

CFS: “The first mistake you made was shoving us in a room with no witness, the second is screaming like a rabid banshee...Back off, get the fuck out of my face, and never do this again. I expect from this point on that you behave like a fucking adult and a “professional”....Capice?!

Yes, I love to prepare for all scenarios. I’m so sorry for GD. She is a wonderful women, a crazy intelligent professional and bottom line no one deserves to be treated that way. Nobody should have to endure working for or with “tyrannical assholes”...as PiT points out....do something to change it. Even if it’s just you and your little lab. Make efforts to sway change in your departments and just try to make changes in your field. Just try.

Now what?

2010-03-03T15:30:00.002-07:00

Interviews starting to fall into place, conference scheduled, thesis finally done...ok, I keep finding things I want to work on, but it's turned in to Dr. AH and is essentially done.

Still haven't got any comments back from him....until today.

CFS,

Can you provide me with the comments of the other members of the thesis committee?

Dr. AH

What comments??? I defended and they signed a paper and said I passed. That's it, he was there...What is he talking about??? What does he want? ugggggggggggggggggggg

It never hurt so good

2010-02-25T22:58:00.005-07:00

My first drum wound. Fuck yeah, Bitches!!!!

Graduate school taught me one thing...You can learn anything from Google!!!

Yes, I have taken up a new hobby. In all my spare time and to avoid beating people, I've decided to learn to beat the drums instead. it started as a nervous twitch; me, my finger and a hard surface for air drumming to some imaginary tune during lab meeting (this was my way to focus on something other than the absurdity happening at the time). After several lab meetings and air drumming sessions, I decided it might be fun to REALLY learn to drum. Slight limitation, little hook up, a minute detail really... and that was the lack of an actual drum set.

So I started watching drummers on you tube, and looking up free on-line drum lessons. I wanted to know if it was really possible for me to learn. I was surprised at the wealth of resources. What started off as a distraction and kind of Google-learning joke was becoming a real interest. So one day as I was driving to pick my daughter up from softball practice, I passed a music store...did a double take and flipped a bitch. I felt so awkward. The guy helping me was a bit surprised when I said I was there to look at the drum kits. I think he expected me to be a mom shopping for her kids violin or something. Then he asked what kind of kit I currently have. I couldn't help it, I'm a bitch and I think I'm funny so I said I don't have a kit. Surprised he said, well how do you practice? "With my fingers and a hard surface, so clearly I need to at least upgrade to some sticks and a surface don't you think? And I taught myself everything I know...you can learn anything from Google." Ahhh...the look on his face was priceless! He was so embarrassed for me he didn't know what to say and just walked to the shelf to get me a pair of sticks.

Needless to say, I've found a better music store. Run by a guy with a great sense of humor. And I have a kit. It's cheep (free) and it sucks, but it's free! AND I LOVE IT!!

This new outlet has literally saved me. Today I was practicing for nearly two hours. I have no illusions that I will ever be Danny Carey (Tool), but it's a hell of a lot of fun!

Rock on all you science junkies!

What’s your cocktail personality?

2010-02-24T11:15:00.006-07:00

PhysioProf I am going to go out on a limb and answer for you, “Motherfuckin Jameson!” Was I close?

I am on some kind of e-mail list for the Fine Living Newsletter and this one came through today.

Are you fun and flirty or a world-wise traveler? Find out which of our signature cocktails best matches your personality in our new quiz. Oh, how fun. But I don’t need a cocktail to establish my drinking needs or to tell me I'm an alcoholic. I like wine. No, I love wine.

I love red and white wines. I love the tasting experience, the science behind making it (yeast baby! yeah that lovely single cell organism and all its fermentation biochemical abilities). And the genetics of the various strains. I love that I can buy a perfectly good Merlot for $3 and then save 10% when I buy 6 bottles at my grocery store! I love a great Oregon Pinot Noir because it’s like heaven to my taste buds....slightly earthy with a lovely hint of berry bomb. I love wine bars and wine tastings which foster an environment of socality (is that a word? if not it’s a new CFS term) mixed with education. I love going to vineyards and walking about the vines and taking a look at the growing stage and development of the plants, the smell of the soil and the ideas that come to me for growing great new wines. I love talking to the owners and wine makers about their skills and even listening to those who swear Biodynamic wines has basis and works (even when they have no idea what biodynamic means:). I love to cook with wine and enjoy the artistry of creating a savory dish. I love to make wine with friends while drinking wine. I love to taste wine from various regions around the world and ponder their skills and history. And sometimes I like to drink wine and think of nothing at all...just sip and enjoy how it makes me feel when I’m drunk!

And when all else fails and I need to drown my sorrows because some experiment isn’t working, or Ms. Brown nose is undermining me or stealing my ideas, or Dr. AssHole is being an...well a ass hole, I go straight to the Makers Mark baby! A strong poor on the rocks will do just fine thank you.

My first love!
The 2002 Classique is a delightful wine laced with aromatics of intense fruit, cherry and red berries. True to the varietal and vintage, this Pinot displays ripe but refined tannins. This, combined with a hint of oak, lends to an opulent texture of elegance and lingering finesse. Pair this wine with any number of Burgundian specialties (Boeuf Bourguignon or Coq au Vin) and/or a selection of artisanal cheeses (Comte, Epoisses, Gruyere.)

91 "Like Drouhin's Laurene, this Willamette wine is deeply vinous at first, showing little more than scents of black tea. It's so bound up that it takes a full day to come together, and when it does it's a wonder. Brisk, dusty red cherry flavors and a fine weave to the texture suggest a long life. Cellar, then serve with juniper-scented pork loin."
Patrick J. Comiskey, Wine and Spirits

90 "Stylish, supple, polished and generous, with spicy, mineral-scented cherry and raspberry flavors. Balanced, with lively acidity, lingering on the firm finish, which shows a woody note. Best from 2006 through 2012."
Harvey Steiman, The Wine Spectator
For the fourth consecutive year, we were blessed with a beautiful growing season – long sunny days and cool nights, allowing the grapes to mature and develop flavors slowly, just the way we like it! There was no pressure from any impending rains, so we were able to pick each vineyard block at the peak of flavor and maturity.

CV

2010-02-23T16:23:00.003-07:00

How to turn a CV into a resume.

I’ve been putting the finishing touches to my thesis. But my main focus has been on finding postdoc positions. Enduring it has forced me to put together one hell of a polished CV! However, as I am applying to both academic institutions and government agencies I find that I needed a resume as well. I needed something that gives detail of a CV (latin for curriculum vitae translation is “I’m going to list in excruciating detail everything I’ve done in my entire fucking life”) and another document that provides a bullet list of the highlights.

I also have received feedback from the academic applications, even if its to say that they already hired somebody for the position. But fuck me I can’t even get passed the human resources groupies of the government agencies.

Totally random but made me laugh

2010-02-20T09:24:00.004-07:00

Example of what standing in front of a committee during comps feels like.

Grads at an event with free food.

I'm back

2010-02-17T10:41:00.003-07:00

After some time off I've decided it's time to get back into the game. I still have some lose ends to deal with in my lab but they are minor and do not require me to see my lab mates or my PI again (I hope). Unfortunately following my defense Dr. AH decided to send me one last absurd e-mail. And I have to say this one hurt.

Hi Dr AH,

I have to turn in a progress report to the NIH for my fellowship. One of the requirements for the report is a sponsor statement. Would you like to fill it out and sign it? Or would you prefer I fill it out, email it to you then you can sign it. Which ever you prefer. I need to have this progress report submitted by the end of the week. I have already spoken with my NIH contact to discuss the changes regarding my original proposal which she approved. These changes are the following:

1. I will be terminating my contract/fellowship one and a half years early (specifically this May when I graduate).
2. My stipend will be adjusted accordingly.
3. Given the approval of my sponsor (you) and my committee, I have met the requirements for graduation by completing two co-author publications and my # paper.
4. Following my defense, my final obligations include a few experiments for the genetics paper and the completion of my dissertation.
5. I will also use the remaining misc. funds to attend one scientific conference.

And one last question. We never finished our discussion regarding if you were willing to write a strong letter of recommendation on my behalf. This is important to sort out, for obvious reasons. I see no reason why we should have to meet with # about this. Either you are or you aren't and I will accept either decision you come to.

Best,
CFS

Dr AH's response:

CFS,

It is probably best if you fill out the progress report--you were not in my lab for the last 6 months or so, so clearly I can't say much about what you have done.

I am unwilling to write a letter of recommendation.

The best thing I can say is that the entire affair of your education has been extremely disappointing, and I will leave it at that.

It is critical, in my view, for you to get me a completed thesis by the date we agreed on, March 1, so we can get all of this behind us.

Do make sure that # knows where all your strains are, and that they get transferred to our -180 freezer. Thanks.

Dr AH

Well now that I got my answer it's time to move on. To what I'm not exactly sure yet. But it's a big world out there and I'm confident that I will find a way to play in it. So here's to playing in the big bad world. Cheers.

14.9% alc., 120 cases, $150. 3.51 acres, 15 year-old vines, yield 1.28 tons per acre of Calera clone. This wine is crafted by Sashi Moorman in Lompoc. · Very dark reddish-purple color. A shy and brooding nose which starts out with woodsy and barnyard aromas but evolves nicely revealing bright fresh berries, violets and a hint of tobacco. Rich, plush and multilayered on the palate featuring dark stone fruits and flavors of fig and cola framed by a lively edge of acidity. The texture is pillowy and the finish, which has a citrus peel note, lasts and lasts. There still are substantial tannins to shed. Decant if you drink now and pair up with substantial food. This wine will cellar very well. Reviewed May 7, 2009.

passed!!!

2010-01-18T19:46:00.002-07:00

And, I defended. And passed. And I walked out of that room proud.

I'm really happy I held on and finished. I was graceful, confident and just plain fucking great! My PI couldn't even look me in the eye. Now I just need to find a post doc/job.

I'll continue that search tomorrow!

Wow...it's over. I can't even express the exhaustion and emotional ride this has been. Wish I could, it would make for a great book.

speechless

2010-01-13T16:45:00.002-07:00

I haven't been around for a while, mostly because I can't stomach thinking about most of this any more.

But I have finished a draft of my thesis and all my papers, and scheduled my defense for Monday.

Finally, two days ago Dr. AH asks to see my thesis....noting that he better, because my committee will expect he went through it. Anyways, I got comments back today. Nothing major (which is great!). Just small and unhelpful grammar stuff mostly. Not worth the ink used to print out all 100 pages (which he insisted I do...only to email me a list of 20 items he requested I address).

But one thing he did say really made me sad. Just triggered me mostly, but I'm over it. Just thought I would toss it out to the bloggers...

CFS,
For your talk on Monday, who do you want to introduce you?
Good luck. Dr. AH

This just brings up all my emotions regarding this defense. This is a day I AM NOT looking forward to. This is not a day I am proud of, nor do I think being forced OUT is necessarily something I wish to share with the PUBLIC.

So having to endure an "introduction" will just be too fucking much! I have requested that I not be introduced and I just start my seminar. I made this request from my dept. head. I haven't heard yet.

I just need to get through Monday....PLEASE DON'T GET EMOTIONAL CFS!!!! Just give you seminar and walk away....head up!

A poll:

2009-12-21T02:53:00.002-07:00

5 days to Christmas and I just put up a tree. So let me ask, would you do anymore decorating considering?

My opinion. Hell no! I didn’t want to do the damn tree. If I need the pine scent, I’d rather go out and sniff a fucking pine cone! We bought a tree just to hang shit on it, then throw it away? Wait, that’s not totally true. It will sit in my house for months, slowly drying up, dropping fucking needles all over the floor becoming incessantly taunting.

Why am I doing it then? Not because I actually believe, but because I have a 12-year-old who thinks the world will end if her “traditions” aren’t carried out. Admittedly it is entirely my fault for being a sentimental, hokey, corny, soppy mom for 11-years. I’m over it:)

Things I’d rather do than clean so I can decorate the freakin house just to pack it up again in 6 days?

1. Drink
2. Guess I should finish that thesis.
3. Finish making my wine.
4. Stab myself in the eye with a candy cane.

What would you rather do?

Oh and what about those annoying, smug bitches who have all the Christmas cards out by Thanksgiving. Now, so as not to "needle" those of you who worked your ass off to get those cards out by December 24th: I am speaking here of the ones who will actually e-mail me and say “hey, I haven’t heard from you in forever. I would love to send you a Christmas card. Send me your address...” In other words: You loser of a person who can’t even send a card once a year...give me your address so I can point out your indolence.

Which brings me to today’s favorite quote, and my new year’s resolution:

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
- Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

For some reason when I read this it makes me feel....yummy and all tingly inside:) Awesome! Now that's what I'm talking about. That's some holiday spirit.

Reading between the lines

2009-12-16T19:32:00.003-07:00

Following up on my two recent posts drum roll and fuck me, regarding my PI's response to my finished paper. I was hoping to submit and use it as a chapter in my dissertation.

Turns out Dr. AH never really read it and after making me wait weeks to get some "feedback" he only ok'd it for my thesis. I was so bummed until I received good advice from PIT pointing out that I didn't hit him with the obvious question.

Which was: so...are you saying it's ready to submit AND for use in the thesis?

Yes, great idea. This kind of feedback is exactly what I hope for...the reason why this blog was started (deer in the headlights)! Because I've been hit with absurd stupid shit, read between the lines and assume I know what's up and that's it...I'm done. Don't know what to say. And fuck, I'm the deer in the headlights all over again.

So instead, this time I responed to Dr. AH with the following:

Hi Dr. AH,
Is this good news? Does that mean it's ready to be submitted and/or added to the thesis?
CFS

The response:

CFS,
This can be added to your thesis as is. I would say that is good news for everyone.
For submission, there is quite a bit of work that I need to do. I will work on this over the holidays and into January.
When will you set a date? I am here from Jan 5 on, all the way through January, but of course you should see if the other committee members are here in January when you defend.
DR. AH

Now...fuck me. I guess at least I didn't just stand there like the fucking deer, but really I don't see the results panning out like I hoped. I feel better regarding the way I handled it.

Reading between the lines:
1. What I notice here is that he doesn't want to submit my paper because he has a lot of work to do??? What work??? NO IDEA, since he has NEVER talked to me about it!!!! Our mediator (also a member of my committee) said that my draft looked like it was ready to submit...so why does Dr. AH not feel the same?
2. Dr. AH said he was going to work on "what ever" between the "holidays and into January". Ummmmm, does anyone else read in the following line that he wont even be back until Jan. 5th. Yeah....NICE....what a FUCKHEAD!

How do I handle this on my CV as I'm applying for post doc positions? Do I just say "in preparation?" Obviously leaving out the fact that it WILL NEVER BE SUBMITTED!!!!

Funny thing did happen immediately following. I was in the coffee shop and was going up to approach this customer I've talked some with in the last couple of years. He is a prof. at the medical school. We both have recently switched from PC to Mac and we often share tricks/advice. So as I approached him and said excuse me, he looked up. Ha...fuck me it not him....it's HIM...my PI, Dr. AH.

Oh, shit...I didn't know what to say. Neither did he. The entire thing was shocking the hell out of us. All I could pull out of my deer in the headlight ass was "ah, hi, just got your e-mail...so only thesis and not submission?

To which Dr. AH looks down in a scared kind of way (probably thought I was about to bitch slap him), and says "yes, use it for you thesis".

I said to have a good morning and walked away. OMG! A good lesson in remembering to wear my glasses!!!!

fuck me, fuck me, fuck me

2009-12-14T12:00:00.002-07:00

Just in from Wonderboy. He and I are collaborating on a paper that he is taken the lead rains on for reasons that would be clear in earlier posts. We have been working on a draft that Wonderboy sent Dr. AH the other day.

Dr. AH,
Here is the next draft of the paper, I gave you two versions of the figures one in powerpoint and one in pdf format, because sometimes the figures get messed up when they are opened in earlier versions of powerpoint.

Cheers,
Wonderboy

Immediately followed up with....

Thanks! i will get to it this afternoon..with relish! Dr. AH

Really....relish...fuck me...

drum roll please.....

2009-12-14T11:38:00.002-07:00

I open my e-mail this morning, and low and behold...I finally got a response from my PI regarding my paper. Oh the possibilities. Being the optimist I am I was so hopeful for some good feedback. You know, that engagement kind of feedback from an individual who read my manuscript. The kind of feedback that might even "evaluate" or "challenge" or "acknowledge"....FUCKING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what was the response? Here you go:

CFS,
I have no comments on your last version.
Dr. AH

I really hate this job.

Today's wine is one that I've had and loved. It reminds me of better times, kicked back on the Domaine Drouhin porch, overlooking the vine covered hills. In a place where I could embrace the terroir, the sense of place. I remember having a sense of self and a sense of enthusiasm.

Domaine Drouhin Pinot Noir "Laurene" 2006

$68 / bottle Parker 92 Points! The 2006 Pinot Noir Laurene is medium/dark ruby colored with an alluring perfume of pain grille, mineral, spice box, cherry, and black raspberry with some blue notes in the background. It has more depth and concentration than the "cuvee classique" with gobs of sweet, ripe fruit, enough structure to evolve for 3-4 years and a 45-second finish. Drink it from 2012 to 2021."

I hate being ignored

2009-12-12T16:32:00.003-07:00

Just back from a great trip to a great city! That’s the good news.

I also was supposed to get comments back from Dr. Ass Hole regarding my manuscript, which I turned in on November 30th. Still nothing. I wrote him...still nothing. WTF!

Me taking Dr. AH down...not ignoring me now are you bitch!!!!!

The fucker has has/had an R01 due. I would think at the very least that he would want to get this out for his own selfish reasons. Guess he would rather continue to be a fuck head to me than get the pub. I’m very doubtful my paper will ever see the light of day.

Man how I love to write shit that NOBODY will ever read. It’s a real motivator.

Meeting follow up

2009-12-03T01:42:00.003-07:00

It went well. Yes, I have a draft that could be published as is. But we (the mediator and ) both know Dr. Ass Hole will come back with "feedback". Generally speaking, I'm thrilled to get feedback. I crave real feedback....bring on the feedback!

But let me give you an example of the kind of feedback I usually get:

E-mail from Dr. Ass Hole

...Authorship issues:

Given the amount of data on the G&D paper (6 pieces of data from you in the G&D paper, of 30 total in Table I), I find it appropriate that you are a second author.

I look forward to hearing from you soon on these issues.

Best,
Dr. Ass Hole

My thoughts: Yeah, he can't even count. Ok,lets count the 130 strains that I did make. verify and test that he chose not to put into the paper. Compared to everyone else's 10 to 20 strains made. It's like a lottery. also rigged because one strain I tested is the keystone of the manuscript. I tested this strain first. It was ignored by the lab. ~6 mo. later it comes up again in the literature. I remind them that I tested and saw a change. "oh...I guess that was not clear...." Fuck off, you didn't listen!

So I test it again. Shocker, it's phenotype is what I said it was.
Wow, says Dr. Ass Hole, Awesome...hey guys lets have Ms. Brown N. give this a look in her assay.

WTF

Blah, blah...more shit. But the crazy part happened today. As if crazy haven't happened before. But it can get really stupid really fast.

So I'm told by the mediator that Ms. Brown N. has taken full credit for a discovery I made in the lab, that is the BIG discovery! What? She wrote in her brief for her commiettee meeting the other day that "I was the first to do...and the first to show...."

Again, WTF? I have email documentation after I did these experiments between Dr. Ass Hole and Ms. Brown N. They both are "thrilled" about my result.

Now I'm bumped from proper authorship, and I no longer played any fucking role in the science that led our lab to this point.

Bone details of today's meeting:
1. Dissertation in by next Friday. Ok, shouldn't be too much of an issue.
2. I'm already past the dead line with the graduate college, so I wont be officially graduating till May. I'm actually happy about this. Provides the time needed to find a post doc position.
3. I am planning my defense for February. Which is great on the one hand, but on the other I wonder why I don't want to defend...truth is to have all of those people in a room looking at me knowing 1) I got fucked and 2) smirking about it.....well this will not be my proudest day.

here's to sucking it up and REALLY hoping I find a post doc position that will allow me to love the science again!

Wine of the day

2007 Madonna Alta Pinot Noir 750ML

One of the few Italian Pinot Noirs I have tried in my time as a wine enthusiast. That being said, I felt the wine had the three "S's." Softness, Silkiness, and Sexiness! Subtle cherry notes with great fresh expression. Relaxed tannins and a lengthy finish, super for it's price point. One of the most difficult varietals to find true value in, but this wine smashes that stereotype. A great Umbrian Pinot that drinks way above it's price point...who knew?!

Meeting with the Mediator today.

2009-12-02T08:44:00.001-07:00

Big meeting with my “acting” PI (aka, the 3rd party "Mediator" between my real PI, Dr. Ass Hole and I). Now that I turned in my manuscript draft, I have a feeling he is going to tell me its time to plan on a defense date. Sigh....Definitely time to get the fuck out of here, but I just haven't begun to look for post doc positions.....

What do you want?

2009-11-30T17:52:00.003-07:00

"I want great conversations, great sex, great friendship, great intimacy, great wine, whiskey and food."

Yes, that about sums it up!

How about the rest of y'all? What do you want?

EndNote about to expire

2009-11-30T04:59:00.005-07:00

Romanée-Conti, DRC 1990 6 magnums at Zachy's New York in 2002 for $69,600, or $5,800 per regular bottle.

Crap. My trial version of EndNote will expire in 4 days. This does not jibe with my needs at all.

I DON’T WANT TO BUY ENDNOTE!!!! And I don’t have the time to hit someone up for a version on the sly......hummm

And this software really pisses me off. (My fault. Word to the wise, don’t wait till you are writing your manuscripts to figure this shit out! Big mistake). I'm trying to change the freakin output style in a iWork Pages document (not Word), and the manuals ect. keep giving me the run around!

Example:

EndNote Citation Search for EndNote references to select and insert as citations in your Pages ‘09 document. See page 366 for more information. EndNote Bibliography Insert and format a bibliography based on your citations. Pages will initially use the output style currently selected in EndNote.
The Edit>EndNote Citations submenu: ␣ Bibliography Format Choose a different bibliographic style to format the citations and bibliography. The style list shows those styles marked as “favorites” in EndNote. See page 336 for information about how to add styles to the list. ␣ Manage Citations Edit or delete existing citations. See “Editing Citations” on page 368 for more information.

Fuck off..........every one of those further pages were completely unhelpful!!!! Such a stupid thing to spend so much time on...CFS, just stop and go home. It's 5 in the morning for Christs sake.

Chateau Margaux 1787 insured for $225,000.

This column in Forbes Kills me!
Wine & Food Feature
World's Most Expensive Wines
Nick Passmore

wine angle

2009-11-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

Dreaming of a better tomorrow!

For fuck's sake, engage!

2009-11-24T23:38:00.003-07:00

I hate being naive and idealistic. I care enough about the people around me, their productivity, and a harmonious workplace to have difficult conversations!

I agree that we all should think before speaking about uncomfortable subjects, even carry a mental conversation before actually engaging others in real conversations. This can be key especially when a thorough mental work-up can defuse anger over the issue.

For fuck's sake!

I also don’t mean that we should always seek out and confront. Just be willing to say something!!! When a lab is at a point when no one has anything to say to one another, is a lab with a serious problem.

In my situation, I appreciate a destructive relationship between my PI and I may make some feel uncomfortable. However, since I am the type of individual who goes out of her way to not involve others, this should be a indicator that I’m mature enough to have a conversation about someone’s hobbies with out breaking down into tears or defaulting to a bitch session about how much I hate my PI.

Although, to at least acknowledging there even exists a problem but all agree to stay uninvolved could at least protect from alienation.

Wine of the day:

This is a Spanish red I recently enjoyed. I found it complex, with firm underlying tannins. And I found the the integrated flavors of mineral and lilac DELIGHTFUL...just how I like my conversations!

Bodegas Pinord Priorat, 2006
Subtle but solid, this red shows cassis, kirsch and vanilla flavors that are fresh and balanced, with well-integrated tannins and a floral finish. Drink now through 2016. Tasted twice, with consistent notes. 4,000 cases made. —Thomas Matthews

n=1, but I’m starting to believe there’s a correlation.

2009-11-23T12:13:00.002-07:00

Very interesting, lets do an experiment. I just entered the graduate student library in my building. Its a lovely environment located on the 5th floor in a modified conference room.

Our place for short retreats from the lab, PI’s and undergrads (no offense to those of you undergrads actually reading this, for if your on these blogs you likely not the kind of undergrads we need a break from!).

So the experiment is how long will the sniveling Ms. Brown N. stay now that I came in? Since I left the lab, she historically would go to great lengths to avoid me. Now I have only “gut” feelings, so lets collect some data.

11:30 am I enter grad library....how long till Ms. Brown N. leaves? tic tock, tic tock

11:34 am she starts playing with her phone...like she’s expecting a call, or has an appt.

11:41 she has stopped work all together and is staring at her computer or out the window.

11:57 I now have the library all to myself! The awesome power of CFS!

While this is a n=1, I’m very confident there is a trend. Further studies in progress!

From the deepest part in my soul, I am so happy she goes to great lengths to leave me alone. What a gift. If she could only have done this 3 years ago, life would have been SO much better. Furthermore, I’ve had to exude absolutely no energy in this avoidance process. Ok, likely not true since from the moment I walked in I’m sure I had this amused smirk on my face. Ha....but there is so much less energy in a pleasurable smirk than there is in pent up hostility....I’m sure there is data to support this idea too!

Inspired by a a great line used on me today; “I need a sarcasm detector app for my iPhone...”

2009-11-20T17:19:00.002-07:00

Based on my blog following, by now everyone is familiar with Dr. Ass Hole. Even if you are not familiar with my PI, you certainly will know Dr. Ass Hole after I provide an example. So it’s time for another segment of “e-mail absurdity!”.

This gem was exchanged last July (There’s so many....lots of great material in my Dr. Ass Hole e-mail bag).

CFS to Dr. Ass Hole

CFS:
I was hoping we could meet next week? I need to take tomorrow off and with the meeting lasting 2 hours today, I could use this time in the afternoon to maintain progress.
Thanks,
CFS

Dr. Ass Hole response:
Ok. Not meeting is not to your advantage in trying to get done soon, but its your call.

Ouch......CFS (I ask myself), did that hurt?
CFS’s sarcastic comeback: No worries, life is pain!!

Wine of the day: Something complex and spicy
Domaine Pegau Chateauneuf Du Pape Rouge, 2006

A good value day

2009-11-18T20:22:00.002-07:00

Wine of the day:
Little Boomey Shiraz, 2006
Episode #762 - What wine pairs with Chicken nuggets

COLOR-dark; NOSE-a little nice blackberry; tight; some black cherry as well; PALATE-good intense fruit on the attack; a little pepper on the back-end; some graininess; meaty as well; not as thin and fake as I would have expected for a mass produced shiraz; not bad at all; nice strawberry flavor; very bright and a good value; GV-87.

While not the most productive day I did have a ‘....nice,....good value’ kind a day.

Why?

Totally broke till Friday. But upon rummaging the freezer this afternoon I found a Amy’s Cheese Pizza....my favorite! And for dinner, way in the back was a package of steaks that I bought sometime ago when they were on crazy sale. Awesome! So I didn’t have to spend a dime and had a good delicious tasting day.

The day had it’s dark moments too. I have been working in total isolation and am at a point where I really need someone to read my paper. So far I’ve not had one person read it. Same thing happened when I was writing my proposal for the NIH. I ended up submitting without one bit of feedback from anyone in my lab/department. Without my husband, I’m not sure how I’d do it, or continue to do it! Thankfully my husband is completely gifted when it comes to sexing up a story. He’s brilliant!

So, here I am again. I really NEED (want?) someone to read it from my field! I crave engagement!!!!

A recent post from Professor in Training (The importance of peers in grad school) is yet another example from which I can model, but what I wouldn’t do to experience it for myself. Just a reminder of the spiciness of my situation.

Desperate, I broke down and asked Wonderboy to read my draft yesterday. While his response contained ‘some graininess....and was a bit meaty...’ it wasn’t ‘thin and fake as I...expected...’.

As a finish, I had a GOOD friend day! Thank you for making me giggle!

Not bad at all....

Can’t decide if today was a 2002 Chateau Coutet or a 2000 Legras St Vincent kind of day

2009-11-18T03:06:00.000-07:00

I love drinking, making, drinking, talking about, drinking and learning about wine! So a new segment to the CFS blog will be “what kind of wine day did I have?”

Chateau Coutet 2002: Pale yellow. Aromas of mirabelle, licorice, menthol and flowers. Brisk, juicy and penetrating, if a bit youthfully unforthcoming in the middle. Reasonably firm acids give this fresh wine a solid backbone and good finishing grip..

Kind of like the cool brisk morning, with the unforthcoming middle and a reasonably firm finish to the day....I got a good grip on my draft!

Legras St Vincent 2000: "Incredibly youthful and vibrant, with excellent freshness and verve. The crispness brings on notes of lemons, limes, orange zest, apple, pear and subtle toasty notes keep it all in check. Drink this now for it's liveliness or let it age to become more round, rich and robust."

...um, yea I'm totally youthful and vibrant, with excellent freshness and verve. oh, then I deal with lemons and limes of my lab, and REALITY CHECK!

Now, remember I'm a grad student. Its not like I can actually afford to drink these wines, I live out my wine tasting fantasy's at:
http://forums.winelibrary.com

For the wine lovers out there, my source for these amazing wines and tasting notes can be found at:
http://winelibrary.com/show_special.asp?rater=&section=garyvaynerchukspicks&&search=&Vint=&size=&sDept=&OrderBy=onhand&OrderAD=DESC&x=39&y=8

Why am I writing this paper?

2009-11-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling triggered today and thought I would share my story....maybe it will help get me out of the funk. I’ve been through a very bad time in my lab, including total isolation and open hostilities. When it started, 3 years ago now, I attempted to change the direction of the “perceptions”, by working even harder. I worked at any and all hours, earned awards at the College level and applied and was the recipient of a NIH fellowship. While applying for the fellowship, my PI insisted that I wasn’t competitive enough, thus shouldn’t use lab time towards the application. Furthermore, his letter of support was for a “travel” grant and not a national award for 3-years of full funding....Yet, I got the damn thing.
Even with all my efforts, the behavior continued. In fact I was perceived as arrogant. For over a year, I chose not to engage. I knew there was no winning this. Unfortunately, this was seen as my admission of guilt.
When I did attempt to resolve what ever the issues were, I was told by my PI, who also later informed the lab, that I have a behavior problem and am a difficult person in general. He also added that while there was some truth to my situation in the lab, the majority was just paranoia.
This dysfunctional relationship between my PI and I only began about 5 mo. after joining the lab. Even though we had our rough spots, primarily our working relationship was very respectful. Even when a new “Wonderboy” grad. student joined the lab. He was aware of the tense situation between me and our PI, but he never attempted to use it to his advantage. We all collaborated well on a paper we were contributing to equally. However, the situation took a sudden and wicked turn when a third grad student joined the lab. I need not go into detail...the kindling was there before she joined, she was the person who chose to light the match!
What as initially a occasional conflict between only my PI and I was now a long and painful era of emotional abuse towards me by the lab as a whole. I was excluded from discussions (and humiliated when they were happening just in the room next to me....the looks I had to endure when I had to go in that room to run experiments were insufferable!). I was refused training even though I had the funding and invitation to visit a lab in Italy to learn the assay’s and techniques I needed. My PI, other grad students and eventually many in my department would overtly disregard my questions and would undermine my comments. I was issued ridiculous amounts of tedious work with nearly daily deadlines (these daily meetings were hoped to help my “learning”...yet I was the only student required to have them). During our joint lab meetings and journal clubs I was constantly publicly targeted by my PI and the female grad student, I was often dealing with attacks to my competence which would lead to some kind of public punishment. These tantrums by my PI often had no merit and were based on nothing remotely relevant to my work, presentation or behavior!
This has been going on for more than two years now. And even though the original grad student never openly participated, his withdrawal has only heightened others in the department to become emboldened. I was (and still believe I potentially could be again) a women who put myself though school, sought out the hardest courses, raised a child, went through a divorce, worked 3 or more jobs, finally reaching a point where I became more and more admired by members in my department, excelled intellectually and was awarded numerous academic awards....but now, I’m here in this place trying to finish my PH.D. and living with a situation where many in my department have unquestioningly labeled me as unpleasant and inept.
The situation has worsened. Half of my research centered has ben a collaborative project between me and the “wonderboy” student, but over time my ability to participate in my own project became less and less. In fact what should have been my experiments were now being given to the third grad student (now all of a sudden on the project with out any previous communication with me). I went from being co-first author to being replaced by the female grad student who now shares that honor with “wonderboy”, I’m second. My other projects are independent of the other graduate students in the lab, but I’ve been unable to speak of them to anyone for strange reasons. When I do, I’m given absurd unhelpful comments and suggestions. My PI has made me remake the strains and test them again and again.......Which I’ve now done at least 5 times and each time I get the same result! So this suggests to me that the results are real!
And finally, I’ve even been dealing with the recent reality of my earlier work being used and repeated by the horrible grad student in my lab and taking all credit as her own by means of discrediting my work and insinuating false and unsubstantiated acts of anger I supposedly made towards her to our PI. She is preparing to publish and guess what, I’m not on the paper!!!!!
While I do not know what fueled this persecution, it was most certainly endorsed by my PI and others in the department mostly because our academic climate offers no resources and even puts at risk those who would be willing to help because they too could become a target. I came to a point where I would no longer quietly endure the abuse. Using the support that I had been slowing enlisting with one of my committee members and dept. head, I made a stand and said ENOUGH! Luckily they agreed. I am now working out of another lab and trying to finish my dissertation.
Also, and this is the real cool part....the grad student who has made my life hell, left her e-mail open on our “public” lab computer! It was seen by others in the lab including our tech. who was shocked. The emails were about me and my PI. The two of them were describing details/stories about me that should not EVER involve my advisor and another grad student. Furthermore, this student was engaged in chat room conversations with other students regarding me where she informed them that I was “crazy” and “troubled”. She would tell them about how our PI wanted to throw me off the publications completely. She witness and elaborated how our PI ripped my poster off the wall in the hall and laughed about it. When I later inquired about the poster they both lied about it and said they thought it was in the lab....sorry, they had no idea.

While I feel validated having this information because it is cold hard data that I was NOT paranoid and I was/am not the one causing problems....still, what to do with this information and now what? I am still a couple of months from finishing and I’m getting more and more pressure from my department to finish. I’m on it, yet to what end. Most students get to apply for post doc’s while finishing. I have not. I have no letter of rec from my PI. So I’m asking you all...in your experience, what are my chances? Will I move on and be ok, or am I out?

Finally, I do not want to go legal. Really there is no point. I have looked into it. But I have no money to do it. And really, I’m not going to be better off. I just want out and I want to move on. I could use your help knowing how to do that. What things have you seen that worked? What “lines” have you heard that you especially thought were right on target and perhaps could be useful for me. I don’t know what I really want, just sitting here. Supposed to be writing a paper that I bet will never see the light of day. I doubt my PI will publish it. More likely he will re-part it out and others will repeat and they will publish it as their own. I need some kind of motivation I guess. Why the fuck am I writing a paper/dissertation that has no hope of ever helping the field, or me for that matter?

CFS
(on a lesser confident day)

Now I'm gonna have to hit him in the head

2009-11-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

now he's clicking his pen! Maddening!!!!!!

more from the strange one

2009-11-13T13:16:00.001-07:00

OK, now he is banging his fist on the chair...........

sigh

2009-11-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I’m here in the grad room (we call it the library) trying to write my paper. But I can’t focus. How can I when another student is here, with his iPod on so loud that I can actually hear it. And he is an angry disturbed kinda fella, who likes every one to know how hard he is working and how hard his life is by constantly seeking attention through the antics like obnoxiously taking in a deep breath and sighing out loud.....every minute (I’ve been timing him), or every time he looks at a new data point, or just before the mumbles to himself “this is bull-shit”. He’s freaking me out!

No way

2009-11-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

No freakin way....I just got an e-mail from my department saying that they just now noticed that I didn't take "the" ethics course. They informed me that they enrolled me and I was required to take it in the spring. ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS???????????? I'm in the middle of writing my dissertation. I'm hardly in the lab any more.

Ok, I transferred to this dept. from another here in the same university. During my first semester in that program I had a very crappy ethics over view, but I had it. Furthermore, I brought this up at my FIRST committee meeting here in my new department, from which they agreed that I had met and completed my ethics obligation. SO FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't work with human subjects, and I'm not the person who stole someone else's work only to claim as there own....that honor goes to Ms. Brown N. Make her take the freakin ethics course.

Life filters

2009-11-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

As a naturally social person, its been very hard enduring the abandonment and ostracism of the last two years. I’ve gone from a very confident social individual to the women in lab meetings so scared to say anything that I would pinch my lips together holding back.

Now, after working with my Dept. head to carefully get myself finished up and out of the current lab with out risk to my project, publication and NIH fellowship (essentially I fired my PI and am finishing my work in another lab and writing my paper and dissertation), I feel that I’m starting to come back.

I remember why friends are so important....they are critical distractors to the daily bullshit. Real friends can and will be brutally honest with you and more importantly, they help us find a way to laugh and stop taking it out on my poor husband. Friends are our filters of life. Without them, life becomes very contaminated and stinky (yes, I'm a dork!).

Let’s be real. How many of the people who really care about me gives a fuck that I was cheated out of proper authorship? How many people will ever read my paper? Well, professionally that matters and hopefully when I search my name in PubMed I will see lots of other papers cite mine....but that will never replace the need to be apart of something. To share how excited I am that an experiment WORKED after 3 months of trouble shooting. If alone, who do I tell about Ms. Brown N’s latest antics? Or about Dr. Ass Hole’s insistence that I don’t understand how restrictions enzymes work because I proposed doing a digest, DNA hybridization technique to look for genomic alterations....only to read about it done by another lab later....asshole....

Ha, in the grad scheme of things, I think I’m pretty good at what I do and what I can do. I have ideas and read about similar approaches and results later. This has only helped me build my mental confidence.

If I could only act this way in person, at the right moment, at the time its happening......

I’m working on it.

Can we use any of these to stop the passive aggressive suck up's?

2009-11-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

I found this list of "snappy comebacks" (site below), and wondered if I could apply any of them to my situation.

Let's try:

1. Dr. Ass Hole, Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
2. When Dr. Ass Hole leaves notes on my bench, that everyone see's and senses is trouble, informing me that we need to talk..."Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again".
3. This is towards one of the grad students in lab. Lets call her Ms. Brown N. Hey Brown, I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Dr. Ass Hole to me. CFS, you actually want me to read your e-mails and listen to the words you say....um, how about never? Is never good for you?
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - Don't have to, Dr. Ass Hole does it for me on a regular basis.
6. This is exactly how Ms. Brown N. behaves! I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
7. So the following is my behavior to Ms. Brown's #6....I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
8. oh, and this is the other grad student, let's call him Don, short for (I DON't give a fuck), I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message student.
9. Our lab tech. - I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
10. The look on Dr. Ass Hole's face when I speak....It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
11. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
13. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
14. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. - Clearly the choice that Dr. Ass Hole is going with.
15. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth (actually, this is how I've been treated for last two years......no more!).
16. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
17. (an oldie but goodie) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist (Actually, I think this will be the topic of my next post.....stay tuned).
19. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental, given #'s 1, 2...14, 11...oh all of them!
20. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? - Actually, I've wondered this for years.
21. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. - My NEW insight into the world of research!
22. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
23. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
24. No, my powers can never be used for good.
25. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room
27. And Ms. Brown...your crybaby, whiney-butt opinion would be?
28. Do I look like a people person?
29. This isn't a lab. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
30. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. - Actually the name of my bar after turning in my publication and dissertation is the "Wasted Ph.D". Any investors out there? I will also have a room (like a speak easy) named the "lounge of negative results".
31. You! Off my planet! - My personal favorite.
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves. - Its true, I'm a Gemini.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, your day is a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
39. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
40. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
41. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
42. Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
43. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
44. Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
45. Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done
46. How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
47. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
48. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
49. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. - Although, if I could find and characterize this Sarcasm gene (Sar1) I see Nobel Prize in the future......

http://www.globe-guardian.com/archives/twisted/tl0005.htm

At least THIS is funny

2009-11-11T03:05:00.001-07:00

Right...found a great example of what I have to endure with my PI......and our "ability to communicate".

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say "Ni"!
Arthur: No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want A SHRUBBERY!
Arthur: A WHAT?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not too expensive.
Arthur: Yes!
Knight of Ni: Now.... GO!

New e-mail absurdity

2009-11-11T02:36:00.000-07:00

To me from my PI:

Dear CFS,

As you know, there is some confusion on the double deletion strains (OMG...yes....Dr. Ass Hole started the e-mail with “as you know...” I fucking hate that!).

1. Please tell us ASAP what data you have on which strain.
2. Did you use that "good" strain for testing complementation?

Me:
My initial thoughts - ASSSSSSS HOLLLLLEEEE.....I’ve been working on this project for 3 years now.....so Dr. Ass Hole has seen this data, has been sent this data, and has read this data a million fucking times!!!

My actual response - I have used 3 different isolate strains; 380, 288 and 289. All of my complementation strains were in 288 or in 380, and yes these strains are “good”.

I did test 381 in March 09. I was doing a head to head with 380, 381, 288, 289. All strains behaved similarly, except for 381 in which I noted that the 381 strain was growing on selection plates that it shouldn’t, given its supposed genotype. I also indicated that we had doubt in this strain anyway...which I don't elaborate on, but I can only recall you had a question mark next to 381 in your book. If I'm remembering correctly this was why we wanted to remake the strains and why I had made the 288 and 289 strains in the first place.

Dr. Ass Hole response:
Did you test 380---and did that strain have any differences from the others?

For 381, I will check with the tech.

Did the growth phenotype of 380, 288 and 289 all have same result?And did you check if the remaining events still are centered predominantly in the our region for any of these strains?

......and so ends another day......hummmmm

Endnote

2009-11-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

Really....I just spent 2 or more hours trying to figure out why my endnote and Mac (pages) would not get along. I've watched tutorials, spent time in various forums, and even searched for video’s through Youtube. And FINALLY it worked! Why? Switched the “edit citations” from “all” to “annotated” WTF!!!!!! Really.................

Deer in the headlights...no MORE

2009-10-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, we can raise confident female scientists. And at any age. I’m begging at age 36 as a 5th year graduate student. I hope to defend this December, and look forward to begging a new post doc as a CONFIDENT FEMALE SCIENTIST.

Step 1:

We must be prepared to address any absurdity that comes out of the mouth of our PI’s or other members of our lab. We can not just stand there like a deer in the headlights, unable to respond to the passive aggressive tones or the arguments/statements dribbling from their mouths apparently based on some unfounded assumptions.

With out immediate and proper action on our part we will be the punching bag of all in the lab. We will be perceived as desperate, weak, sad and worst of all, dumb. Most who do this do so unknowingly; but it's harmful all the same. You will find others beginning to distance themselves and over time your environment will become more and more toxic.

So how do we stop the silent abuse and the passive/aggressive conversations from happening to us; respond intelligently and with confidence. By realizing some people are very lazy, that they would rather not fight if they don’t have to, by learning to identify when we are in one of those “deer in the headlight” moments, and acting to inhibit further access to the “kick me” pathway!

I am providing what I hope will be a growing list of absurd statements that either I’ve lived through or situations provided by others with the idea of tagging ideas of APPROPRIATE responses.

Over time we will stop FREEZING and actually think quickly enough to say something back...as the freakin‘ moment is happening. We can wish we had the perfect thing to say under certain circumstances, but unless we practice we will always be the deer. We need ideas and we need good ones with humor.

I also encourage any to add their own 2 cents. I am leaving some blank and could use a suggestion or two as to the best comeback possible. We have lots to learn from each other and I welcome the opportunity.

Here we go:

1. “I’m sure you already know this, but....”
Example from my PI (Dr. Ass Hole): Dear CONFIDENT FEMALE SCIENTIST, I was mucking around with plasmid 61, and realized that the right side target is put in with R1-Apa1 fragment instead of R-Sal1. The apa1-apa1 fragment from pRS406 is also deleted. You may already know all this, but just in case. I think plasmid 61LR is made the same way, but i would double check with digests to make sure. I can dig in my notes to confirm this --though I did a digest of plasmid 61 and everything seems as I have stated here.
Suggestions:
a) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER trust any plasmid given to you by anyone. ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS double check it yourself. This will save you months of time!
b) Nothing is ever as it is STATED HERE (I know he wanted to say “as stated here Bitch” but we are not quite there yet). This is one of those times where I realized, “shit, here we are again”. Having experienced this many times before however, I was able to respond with the following:

Dear Dr. Ass Hole,
Thank you. After double checking the plasmid you gave me by digest and T3/T7 sequencing, I was able to....” you get the point.

For fun I added a statement of how much progress I made dispite his carelessness:
“....Anyways, in order to make the construct I went back to my plasmid 61H:U:H, popped out the HUH and cloned in the new fragment. I'm confirming now.”

Dr. Ass Hole’s response:
“I am not sure what the story is now with 61 plasmids....I have to go back and
sort out how I sorted this out. apa1 issues are now vague...looks to me like
61 LR and 61 + frag have the 1.3kb apa1 vector fragment in them...I suggest you check the 61 flanking sequences..make sure they don't cut with sac1 or sal1.”

d) Notice the end of his statement? He didn’t even read and/or process my prior e-mail where I told him I’m not even using his plasmid. agggggggggggggggggggggg. Breath in, breath out. Resend my email, this time repeat “I am not using the plasmid you gave me. Good luck with your trouble shooting. Best, CONFIDENT FEMALE SCIENTIST

Example number 2 in the next episode of the "Confident Female Scientist"

Is it possible?

2009-10-05T22:11:00.000-07:00